The only constant in the experiment: music. I'll get to that in a bit.
The blog itself is more of an aftermath from an idea than anything. It's not an end nor even a means to such a place. It's merely something to lean on as I travel up a path to my main goal. That main goal is something I feel is too ridiculous to really voice just yet and in truth not even something I'm 100% clear on. Whatever it may be, it's fragile enough that I want to strengthen it before it has to withstand a rain of blows from reality or criticism.
I will give you a quick overview of why I'm here...
I woke up recently to realize I'm old. Not old by the standards of the world or even people. I just felt old in the way everyone eventually does when they realize they aren't teenagers any longer and somehow their 20s are already gone even though they could swear they were there just a second ago.
I'm in my very early 30s. Not old by anyone's definition aside from children and aforementioned teenagers. Possibly those early 20s people who don't yet grasp that 20 doesn't last forever. But really, in this instance if I'm actually old isn't all that important. What is important is that I felt old when I woke up that day. Worse than feeling old is feeling old without the accomplishments under my belt that I assumed I'd have at this point.
I've built a decent enough career over the years, I do well for myself, and I don't really want for anything. I'm not high rolling by any means, but I get by. By those standards, I can't complain and I try to be thankful. That doesn't mean I can't want for more or - in this case - different things.
Everything I've done I feel has been attained by taking the safe routes at every fork in the road. What happened to those ridiculous, far-fetched, unlikely dreams I'd had as a kid? They'd been forgotten. They'd faded without even the slightest whimper to signify their passing. And for a while that they even existed was not remembered. It took me years to notice.
Sitting at a desk 8 hours a day was not what I'd imagined of my life when I was younger. That can likely be said for 99% of the country but I thought it should be stated for clarity. When I woke up on that particular morning, I realized that I'd never really stopped wanting those other things out of life. To travel, to write for a living, to create music. I'd simply allowed myself to forget as I propped the burdens of life upon my shoulders and made my way through life. Living without really living, you know?
I could say more about all of that but it's all very unexciting. The point is that I decided I wasn't quite ready to give up on a few of those silly ideas. If I had tried and failed, that would be one thing, but all I had done was failed because I'd never bothered to try. That's a pretty sad way to go out.
This blog exists to chronicle my efforts at bringing my musical side back from the grave, that love of a Younger Me that I have missed most over the years even if only recently realizing it. I'm basically going to be starting over and trying from a clean slate. Those 15 or so years of guitar playing - which make me sound far more skilled than I actually am considering I've played about 5 hours total over the last 6 years - aren't magically erased of course, but I'm going to try to start at a more basic level and see if I can build my foundations better this go-around.
I can't make any promises other than I'm going to try my best to stick with it, which is part of the reason I'm going to be writing. I figure if I'm learning something new, practicing, reading theory, or even just writing about ideas and concepts and challenges I may be having, I will be keeping the topic in mind and hopefully that will led me to sticking it out even through frustrating period.
My overall goals are still unclear, but there's a few things I never really did that I'd like to do:
- Learn a second instrument.
- Develop a solid understanding of music theory, of which my grasp has always been tenuous at best.
- Write a whole song.
- Perform in front of people.
A final thought: it's slightly ironic that when I moved to "Music City", I quit playing music. I think my senses were so overloaded with the sheer amount of music in the city that it broke my brain and I just threw in the towel without realizing that is what happened.